I guess I might be a little distracted. Just a little. Focus has not yet become a strong suit – but I am getting better each day.
I hadn’t visited this blog in a quite awhile – and would have never guessed that I had not posted in almost a year ….. A lot has changed in that year. My daughter quit talking to me. I got married. My wife is pregnant (and we are expecting our first child together in September). We moved to San Diego (my home for most of the last 30+ years and where my daughter was born).
My daughter has apparently decided that she no longer wants to be known as Jacqueline Kennedy and is going by the name Nataliya Kennedy. (I heard this from an administrator at her school about a week before her mom told me in an email). This actually makes me smile not only because I’m glad that she is thinking for herself, but because I actually gave her middle name of Nataliya – named after the person who introduced me to her mom. I’m sure she doesn’t know, but her mom named her Jacqueline and I wanted to give her a Russian middle name that she could use in case being Jacqueline Kennedy just got too much for her.
No matter what she wants to be called, I am missing her deeply each and every single day. Being away from her is easily the most difficult thing that I have ever done – with the possible exception of the time at the doctor’s office when I had to hold her down so that they could shoot her foot up with anesthesia. There have been many tears shed and thoughts of “what if”. I miss her now living 1300 miles away, just as much as I did living less than 2 miles away. She still won’t talk to me and I just have to realize that I cannot do anything about it.
Well, I suppose that I could have refused to sign the application for her to renew her passport, so she would not be able go to Kiev this summer. I could have said I won’t sign, unless she speaks to me. That would have been counterproductive – and I NEVER want to hold her back.
Every day I hope and I pray (even though I am not religious at all), that she will call me, come visit and decide to be a part of our lives again. We all miss her and cannot wait until she understands that she is greatly loved no matter what – and that this love comes with no conditions. It doesn’t matter that she’s mad that I got married, it doesn’t matter that she has chosen not to speak to me – I will ALWAYS love her unconditionally. I love you Nataliya Kennedy! Call me (858) 262-0944.
